Difficult Conversations

Nonverbal Communication – Myth Debunked

27 Feb

There are a lot of messages that a person communicates besides with the words that they say. If you pay attention, their body language can be a significant source of information.

However, if you’d really like to have the master list of what all the possible nonverbal body languages signs (eye contact, crossed arms, slouching, etc.) may mean, I’m afraid you’re out of luck. Most “answers” and generalizations are just not true.

People act differently and communicate differently based on a lot of things, not only what they are feeling at the moment. Not that there is not good information in those nonverbal signals, there is just not one list of the “right” answers that apply to every person in every situation. Here’s a few examples:

Lack of eye contact means they are lying. Well, the amount and nature of eye contact can be telling, but the exact moment it breaks may not be significant.
Folding arms means defensiveness. Maybe. Or maybe they are getting comfortable, or thinking, or relaxed. I’ve personally seen them all, and done them all.
Tone of voice is not the same for everyone. Some people use tone to their advantage. Others purposely avoid changes in tone and pitch. Others have their natural tone that follows them everywhere.
Squaring up to you. Might mean they are becoming aggressive or simply interested.
Feet/shoulders away from you. They could be getting comfortable or disinterested.
Nodding. I’ve always said that when the employee nods, it means nothing. They are probably just trying to get you to stop talking because you believe they agree. They may want you to stop talking because they are confused, bored, uninterested, or just have other priorities at the moment. A nog can also indicate agreement, politeness, “Go away!”, or “I get it!”
Hands closed. They could be withholding information or maybe they just naturally sit that way.
Leaning forward could mean aggressiveness or disinterest.
Leaning back could mean they are thinking or they are disengaged.

Keep in mind that you can think about four times faster than someone naturally speaks. That is why it is so hard to listen. Your brain has so much excess capacity. Therefore, when you speaking to someone, what they do nonverbally may or may not be directly related to the conversation.

What can nonverbal communication tell you? Most importantly, nonverbal communication patterns must be learned.

What are the common patterns for the people with whom you are communicating? What makes them change? How do they hold themselves most of the time? How do they feel most of the time?

Are they often nervous and defensive? Then a change in body language may mean you are relieving their stress and opening up dialog. That’s a good thing.
If they are often participative and productive, a change in body language may mean you have said or done something that has closed the conversation and lost their buy-in. That needs to be addressed.

Determine what triggers them to change tone, posture, eye contact and movements and decide if that change is a good thing. Then, you can adjust your communication in the moment based on their body language and achieve your desired results from the conversation.

And, by the way, words are important too, so brush up on your listening skills, and spend more than 25% of your energy listening to the words in order to gain insight on the entire communication message that the other person is saying!

Egotistical Jerk or Passionate Leader?

14 Feb

by Bridget DiCello

If you’ve ever had the boss who has said,

“My way or the highway!”

“…because I said so!”

“That’s just the way it is,” and

“Get it done yesterday – I don’t care how!”

you may be hesitant to come across like a demanding jerk to your employees.

Jim Collins in his description of a Level V Leader says that level of leadership is attained by a humble yet passionate leader.

So, when do you get tough and lay it on the line, even to the point of saying, “That’s just how it is!” to your employees?

You know you’re being a jerk when…

There is a self-serving motive behind your rant like ego preservation, desire to win/they lose, or desire to intimidate.
You do not take the time to let them speak
You honestly don’t care what they think and don’t feel like they can contribute despite their subject matter expertise.

You know you are being a passionate leader when…

You listen curiously and with genuine interest to what they are saying, combining empathy with high standards in your head.
Your blood pressure starts to rise because they have/or continue to do something hurtful to accomplishing the company vision/mission/goals.
You respond carefully and choose your words to avoid being hurtful AND present the mission/vision component with passion because that is the reason why their behavior is a problem.

You can get excited and passionate about your core values, vision, mission and goals.

You cannot scream and yell because someone made you mad and has frustrated you.

You can get determined and definite when what an employee did interfered with overall accomplishment of goals or the way you want your company to operate.

You cannot get miffed, sarcastic and rude because someone kept you personally from meeting your goal.

The mission, vision and core values of an organization are its backbone – the reason it exists and how business will be conducted. This backbone is something to get excited about and no one will fault you if you get passionate and determined about it, as long as you treat them respectfully (no yelling, swearing, sarcasm, personal attacks or demeaning comments). You may even appear egotistical if you are personally very invested in the core values and vision. But a drive towards an admirable vision is always about more than just your desire to accomplish it, and that will come through to your team.

Turning “Yeah, buts…” into “A-ha’s!”

26 Jan

by Bridget DiCello

Does it drive you crazy when you have a good idea, an original approach or a unique solution and the first thing someone can say is, “Yeah, but…”? It’s time to eliminate those words and turn them into “Yes, and…”

Before we jump ahead, those who routinely offer the, “Yeah, but…” are probably the individuals who ground those of us with wild, crazy and risky ideas. So, it can be a good balance. And their caution may be for good reason and may bring up a valid point of view.

First, open your mind to listen to the objection and ask a clarifying question or two. They say, “Yeah, but what happens when the customer says no?” You might respond, “Let’s look at that for a moment. Which customers do you think would most likely respond that way?” and “What is it, do you think, that would make them feel that way?”

Then, address the elephant. The elephant is the problem or roadblock that is preventing the conversation from continuing in a positive direction in order to explore possibilities. “I hear your concern, and it’s good to hear why you feel that way. Now, I’d like to continue exploring my idea a bit more. Let’s start by looking at the benefits of what’s been suggested.”

Too often, a “Yeah, but…” ends productive discussion because the person who brought up the idea feels shot down, may not continue and may get defensive. The “Yeah, but…” team member who brought up the objection gets defensive in return. They get stuck defending themselves because they haven’t been given any credibility and have not been able to explore their concern at all.

When the clarifying questions are asked, the elephant addressed and the original idea explored, both people are more open to the discussion and good things happen. With both team members engaged in productive conversation, you’re on your way to an “A-ha!” such as, “A-ha! I’ve never thought of it that way! The idea may only apply to the top 20% of our customers, but those are the ones who we’d like to duplicate. My concern was valid that we’d lose some customers, but if we lose some of the bottom 15%, that may be worth the trade off! I’m glad we had this discussion. Let’s do it!”

The ‘Breaking Down Walls’ Conversation

26 Oct

by Bridget DiCello

The ‘Breaking Down Walls’ conversation is one that has the potential to take working relationships to the next level. You may have been in a situation that is not great, but is not that bad either, it’s just tense. This tension happens routinely as part of one person interacting with another. It becomes a problem when it is not addressed and there is nothing to ease the tension.

With that said, start by asking yourself these questions:

Is it important I break down this wall? Or is it temporary and will go away on its own?
What created the wall in the first place? Was it something I did? Was it something they did? Was it external to work? Was it job pressure of some sort?
What is the opinion of someone I trust about the situation – do they think this is a real wall?
Where is this person coming from?

Walls can be a problem if they keep the work from being done and prevent positive results from being accomplished. They can also be a problem if they cause an uncomfortable situation for those involved. It is important to “clear the air” and often a manager can talk to each employee separately or the two together to mediate. Talking to the two separately can put you in the position of each of them trying to win you over. However, they may get very upset if confronted together.

The best way to deal with the situation is to first talk with each person involved and help them to understand their situation, assuring them you will not be the final judge, just the mentor and coach. Help them to answer the questions above, keeping the conversation focused on them, how they see it, what they have done and what they can and will do differently.

Then, bring both the people together and set some clear ground rules to ensure they understand that this is not an opportunity to personally attack the other person, but a time to look at how the situation arose and what each person will do to diffuse it. Keep the long term objective, company goals, customer service or similar end goal as the focus of why they need to work together better.

The Confrontation Conversation

26 Oct

by Bridget DiCello

The Confrontation conversation is dreaded by many because it may appear to start a “fight” that may or may not be necessary. You may be tempted to “leave well enough alone”. However, if you are forward looking and have a brighter future in your mind for what is possible, it’s essential.

With that said, start by asking yourself these questions:

Do I need to address this issue? Choose your battles carefully. A problem ignored can blow up later. However, nitpicking every detail will wear out a relationship with an employee.
Am I the right person to address it? Is there someone else to whom the employee reports on this issue? Is there someone who has a better working relationship and is in an appropriate position to address it?
Is now the right time to address it? Are they as open and receptive as they ever will be? Will waiting let the situation get worse or the impact of the conversation be less?

When you address a situation that you expect to be confrontational, take a moment, which I call the Opportunity Space (the moment between when someone does or says something and you respond) and ask yourself The Three Questions:

What do I really want to accomplish in the long term? Keep in mind your long term objectives and don’t be side tracked with emotions in the moment.
Where are they coming from? Why is it that they are doing the things they are doing? What is their perspective?
How am I making them feel? However they are feeling is okay, so avoid telling them not to feel the way they feel. It’s what they do as a result that can become unacceptable.

If the confrontation goes badly, you might need to take a break and come back and address it when emotions have calmed down. If the employee gets worked up and emotional, keep in mind it might be a defense mechanism to avoid having the conversation. In that case, any break taken should be short and have the specific purpose of giving everyone time to calm down and come back to finish the conversation productively.

The Accountability Conversation

26 Oct

by Bridget DiCello

The Accountability conversation is one of the most difficult and this is why it does not occur routinely in many companies. This conversation is the one that comes before the disciplinary situation where you’d like to fire the person. It comes during the normal course of doing business and should be an ongoing conversation. It should not be a surprise if you have set the expectation that it is coming.

With that said, start by asking yourself these questions:

What is the specific unacceptable behavior that is causing the problem with performance? Define the specific behavior and avoid accusatory adjectives like “grumpy, bad attitude, lacks initiative, lazy, etc.”
Does the employee know what the expectation is? When have you told them and did they get it?
Has the current performance been acceptable in the past? Still needs to be addressed, but this must be acknowledged.

Accountability works best when both the manager and the employee know it is coming, there is a set routine for doing it, and both people are involved. These are the steps that are most important.

Be sure to clearly explain what is expected. More detail may be required for some front line employees, where higher level employees may have more freedom in how to do the job and the expectation will be more about results.
“Test” understanding. Not by asking them to repeat what you said, but by asking a question that requires they speak about what they will do first, what they expect to be most difficult etc.
Set a time and date for follow up. And make sure they realize what they will have been expected to accomplish by that time. This may be a specific result, progress they will have been expected to make or a task that should be finished.
Stick with the time and date you establish. At that time, ask them to report on their progress, without you having to prod with a million questions.
Keep the accountability going by setting the next expectation and the next accountability date. Have these types of conversations all the time, taking just a moment or setting a sit-down meeting.

Getting People Engaged

23 Sep

by Bridget DiCello

Engaged people are those who are interested enough to do something. Engagement means movement. Action.

What makes people act? A desire to act usually comes from a desire to reach something greater than where they are either because of discomfort with the current situation or a vision of what’s possible beyond the current reality.

What does that mean for you in trying to get team members, peers, associates, and employees engaged? Create an Invitation and find Common Ground.

Create an Invitation: I’ve heard it often said that people will act because someone asked them to. Will you help someone who asks? Will you get involved because someone you trust invites you to? Will you respond when someone explains what they need you to do?

Too often, people may not get engaged in a process, in planning, in executing and in implementing because it is easier not to. Easier not to put themselves out on a limb, extend beyond their level of confidence, assume their help or involvement is not needed or assume what they are currently doing is enough. If you see possibility beyond where your team is currently operating, invite others to see what you see, and ask them for their specific participation.

“You’ve put a lot of time and effort into this. I appreciate all you’ve done. I can’t help thinking that we could make it even better if we… Will you help me by …?”

Find Common Ground: People act because there is something in it for them. I don’t mean people are self-centered and selfish. I mean that each of us operates from our own point of view and when something is exciting, important and valuable to us, we tend to get involved.

Have you ever learned something new or gained more in depth knowledge about a cause, a problem or a challenge, and then decided to get (more) involved?

Finding Common Ground requires that we have a conversation with whomever we are trying to get more engaged. It means we share some of our passion, and let them respond and determine for themselves what it is they are excited about. There are often many facets of a project, problem or situation and the specific reason we get excited may not be the same as another person, and yet we both can become avid workers towards the end goal.

“I was thinking about the reason we started working on this project and how exciting it will be when we achieve the goal of… What is it that you are most excited about?”

Who on your team needs to be more engaged? Who do you wish would be of more help to you in what you are trying to accomplish? Have you issued the Invitation and do they see the Common Ground?

The Coaching Conversation

14 Sep

by Bridget DiCello

Coaching is having a series of conversations with an individual in order to help them access their hidden potential to achieve greater levels of success.

- Bridget M. DiCello

It is essential that you have both “Conversations on the Go” as well as “Undivided Attention Meetings.” When you see acceptable or unacceptable behaviors, sometimes you need to address them immediately for greatest impact. Other times you need to get both the employee and yourself focused on their improvement in a planned meeting where you have each other’s undivided attention. In which meeting you bring up an issue depends on the urgency of the needed change in behavior. If you wait as an unacceptable behavior continues, your frustration increases as does the employee’s resistance to change – which makes the conversation more difficult when it does occur.

Conversations on the Go:

1. You bring up the unacceptable behavior and get them talking.
“I’m concerned about… because… What Happened?”

2. Then you talk. Explain current unacceptable behaviors describing them specifically. “Your bad attitude” and “your lack of initiative” are not specific behaviors.

3. Get commitment to precise, doable action from the employee.

4. Determine a follow up date – it may be your monthly meeting with them.

Undivided Attention Meetings – Monthly meeting where each of your direct reports prepares for and attends a meeting with you.

This is not about how you can help them or what they think you or the company could do differently. This is about them reporting on their progress and challenges.

According to set agenda both you and they have prior to the meeting:

1. They report their successes first – according to goals you have set

2. They report on set metrics, projects, goals, status

3. They identify the areas where they have fallen short and what they will do differently.

4. You compliment them on successes you’ve seen

5. You comment on their performance that can be improved. (using specific examples of unacceptable and acceptable behaviors.)

6. Get commitment to precise, do-able and measurable action. Help them come up with action items and strategies. This is not easy and may take time. Dig in and really find a do-able action. Use Clarifying Questions like, “Can you give me an example?” and “Can you be more specific?” and “What have you tried in the past?” Watch for Smokescreens and Tangents.

7. Determine a follow-up date and follow-up.

The only way you can help your team to really access their potential and therefore move your team to a higher level of performance is if you coach them. Even the best employees need your coaching. Michael Jordan had a coach who pushed him to excel!

“I Know You Can Do It!”

18 Aug

by Bridget DiCello

“I know you can do it!” Why are these such powerful words? When voiced by a someone about a colleague or team member, they express confidence in that person. Despite the independent, confident, maybe egotistical approach of people who are difficult to work with, I believe there is a great lack of self-confidence under the surface, being hidden by confident speech. When someone who they respect, whether because of a great relationship or by only an official relationship, says they believe they can do something, it energizes that person.

You are telling them that you believe in them and that they should believe in themselves. Too mushy for you? Well, it’s powerful and used well, can bring about significant changes in performance and levels of cooperation.

Do you tell team members this who you find difficult to interact with? Can you get yourself to believe it for those who have less than stellar performance?

Why would you say this if you don’t believe it 100%? There is power in what we say about ourselves and what others say about us. By saying, “I know you can do it,” you are instilling a determination in that person.

You will find the most success when you follow up by holding them accountable to what they have agreed to.

What if they fail? Doesn’t that mean you were wrong? No! It just depends on what timeframe you are talking about. If you say they can accomplish something and they get frustrated because they didn’t get it done in a week. Push harder. Insist you know they can do it and ask them what the next step they are going to do is. Everything is accomplished with a series of small steps.

Sometimes team members may at first look to prove you wrong in order to stay in their comfortable current level of performance. Insist you believe they can do what needs to be done, that they have the ability to learn and to accomplish more than they have.

Try it. Say, “I know you can do it!” with conviction to each person important to your success once a week and see what happens!

Return on your Networking Investment

12 Aug

by Bridget DiCello

If you’re faced with an extremely busy schedule and increased demands in a challenging economy – you cannot spend a lot of time networking unless you get a good return on investment. Yet you find it necessary to get out and meet new people, connect and enhance relationships with current contacts and referral sources, and be out and be seen. You may not enjoy the typical “networking event,” because it doesn’t produce enough results to make the expense, time and discomfort of being around a bunch of people you don’t know, worth it.

From my experience, key activities that make it worth it your time and effort to attend an event:
• Decide what you need to achieve to make it worth attending events. Do you plan to make new contacts? If you do, do you know who specifically you’d like to meet or can you describe your target prospect? Do you wish to build relationships with current contacts or prospects by going where they go? Do you wish to achieve general visibility in larger crowds of professionals?
• Plan your month. Act purposefully. As much as possible, evaluate the events that are coming up in the next month and decide the best use of your time. Seeing some of the same people at events gives you an opportunity to deepen the relationships, but seeing them three times in the same month devalues that benefit. Plan to attend a variety of events to achieve your most important goals and stick within your budget.
• Invite people to attend with you. If they can’t go, the invitation itself is a meaningful contact and builds that relationship. If they can go, they will appreciate the opportunity, especially if it is an event of which they were not aware. It’s an opportunity to spend some time with the person you invite and introduce them to others.
• Show up early and act as a host. Stand near the door and welcome people. You can help them to feel comfortable, and have an easy conversation opener as they walk in the door.
• Move from conversation to conversation. Typically, making multiple contacts at an event will make it more worth your time. Spend 15 minutes talking to one very solid contact if that makes sense at the time, but reserve deeper conversations for a follow up meeting where they are often a better fit.
• Connect two people you know to one another. And vice versa, ask someone you know to introduce you to a contact they know and you would like to meet.
• Follow up with important contacts. I have long since stopped following up with everyone I meet. I know that some conventional networking wisdom will tell you to connect with a lot of people, not knowing who could help you/who you could help some day. Personally, I look at the return on investment of my time, am clear with where my beneficial connections will most likely lie, and spend my time there.

How about you? How do you ensure a profitable return on investment of your networking, time, energy and money?

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